Brain strain #1 - Buddhism

Adhisthana, November 2019

I think it's time that I wrote a bit about what's going on with me and this Buddhism lark, given how much of my time it's taking up. If you imagine splitting all my waking hours into five, then one fifth is working as a Diabetes Dietitian in the NHS, one fifth is activity relating to Triratna Buddhism, one fifth is activity relating to my new employment with Mr MXF (or at least, it's fast growing to become that size), and the other two-fifths contains everything else - socialising, housework, cooking, exercise, home admin, LTRP, watching films, writing blog posts.

So there's a lot of Buddhism going on, and I've been wondering whether it's just because it gives me a project to put into that fifth of my life. While I was on retreat last week I tried to scale back on distractions, using social media as little as possible, not turning on the TV or watching films, no Internet, checking email and my phone as little as possible, and those changes weren't too difficult. The thing that was the hardest by far is that I decided not to distract myself with anything during mealtimes - no reading, podcasts, radio, puzzle books, planning, making lists, browsing the Internet. In fact, it was so unbearable that I had to pull back a little and allow myself classical music rather than silence while I ate.

I seem to have a big problem doing nothing (especially during mealtimes). Not that it's a good idea to do a lot of nothing, but surely I should be able to relax without having something useful to do all the time? Just sit, without referring to one of my lists to tell me what's waiting for my attention, what really needs to get done by the end of the week, what new job I ought to get started on? If I can't do that then the end of the LRTP plus retirement are going to leave me in a bit of a state, sitting in my beautiful house wondering what to do next. And I don't want Buddhism to become the thing that fills the gap for no other reason than my other projects are finished.

Having said that, one of the reasons I got involved with the Buddhists and with Mr MXF was because work was so unsatisfying, the LTRP, housework and admin (while necessary) aren't all that enjoyable, and I wanted a local group of friends with values and interests that are similar to mine. But the reason for staying involved is only partly to fill a gap in my social life and fulfil my need to have ideas and see them come about. It has also helped me understand a bit more about myself and identify aspects of me that I want to acknowledge and accept, and other aspects that I'd like to change.

The essence of Buddhism is that your actions have consequences. That's it in a nutshell. The idea is that 'skillful' actions are those that are helpful, constructive, have positive results, and not only that but they also make you feel better about yourself and the world. 'Unskillful' actions are the opposite. And everyone is free to choose whichever actions they wish to take, but if you are a Buddhist you commit to trying your best to be skillful. I'm very happy to go along with this, because it has been proven by experience time and time again in my life.

Of course there's also the Buddha, there's 2,500 years of writing and poetry and art and teaching, there's arcane ritual if you want it, but there are no rules, no Commandments, no tablets of stone, only guidance that is based on this fundamental truth - you are in charge of your actions, and your actions have consequences. There are suggestions about what skillful and unskillful actions look like, and how you might go about changing habitual responses to become more skillful, and that's where meditation comes in, as a way of reflecting and thinking about how to change your habits for the better.

The Buddha wasn't a god. He was a privileged man, the son of a local chief, who gave it all up because he thought there had to be more to life. Somehow he worked out what that looked like, and started a movement, taught a load of followers, but even then he didn't lay down laws or require obedience. Alongside all the teachings his core message was, "Don't take my word for it, try it out for yourself." I find that very attractive. I don't have to believe in a load of magical nonsense, although if you do want magical nonsense there's lots to be found in the Buddhist texts. I don't have to believe in an all-powerful god figure. I don't even have to believe in reincarnation, which is lucky because that would be a problem for me.

So a month or two ago I decided to take the plunge, and declare myself a Buddhist. In normal circumstances this would be confirmed by a ceremony (arcane ritual, anyone?) but for six months this hasn't been possible. So it has been agreed verbally ("yes, we agree, you can join our club") and we are planning some sort of hybrid ceremony in person and online where I become a 'mitra', which literally means a 'friend' within the Triratna Buddhist Community. It isn't ordination, where you make a much stronger commitment and get a Sanskrit name, and in fact nobody should notice the change if I don't mention it. It feels quite uncomfortable mentioning it here, because I didn't set up this blog to talk about personal stuff. But I suppose it must be important enough to write about because here I am writing about it.

So why the brain strain?

It's because it turns out that I am illiterate. I'm like a yokel brought up on a farm, making a living, doing very well, doesn't realise she can't read until someone gives her a book. I've always understood stuff - I've found some of it badly written, or uninteresting, and sometimes I've had to put some effort into working out what it means, but I've always understood written and spoken sentences before. 

Buddhist teachers can be using English and stringing words together where I know the meaning of all the words, but they are put in an order that makes no sense to me. Using metaphors of the heart, and the senses, and long words like 'integration' and 'enlightenment'. What I never knew was that there is a great big hole in my mind; after listening to a talk others nod wisely and offer comments and clarification that also make no sense whatever, and the teacher says 'Yes', or 'I would put it differently' or 'That's a good point' and I'm still entirely in the dark.

But it doesn't matter. There's no exam. I absolutely don't have to understand anything except that I have a choice of actions and I am responsible for the consequences. Anything I grasp on top of that is a bonus. And it's not all murky incomprehension, there's a whole lot that I do understand, and as time goes by I fit more little pieces into the picture. The challenge is that the picture is a million-piece 3D jigsaw with a blank image and no box lid to show what the end product looks like.

This retreat I attended last week was for people who have at least three years experience as a mitra, so it's to be expected that I had a little trouble. But even over the course of the week I understood a tiny bit more and can put that to work within the bigger project of being as happy as I can in this life and doing as little damage to others as possible. And taking responsibility for my actions.