What I've been reading

Conundrum
by Jan Morris

"As one of Britain's best and most loved travel writers, Jan Morris has led an extraordinary life. Perhaps her most remarkable work is this grippingly honest account of her ten-year transition from man to woman - its pains and joys, its frustrations and discoveries."

This is a fascinating account from the early 1970s of a gender transition from James to Jan Morris. It was mostly a memoir of the journey, and coincidentally a reminder that such things are not new in the 21st century although they are now more commonly known, and hopefully accepted. The story was going well until the chapter after the surgery, when the author was comparing her feelings as man and now as woman, and describing the difference in how she was treated. My hackles rose at the stereotypical attitudes of the times - it was the 1970s after all - and how welcome they were to a woman who had been born as a man in the 1920s. How unwelcome they are to me, reading as a woman now living in the 2020s! The first man who kissed this woman newly born from surgery was a taxi driver, uninvited. " 'There's a good girl,' he said, patting my bottom and returning to his cab: and all I did was blush." Later in the chapter she compares men with women on the basis of her n=1 experiment, and it made me furious. "Men are [like this] and women are [like that]," she decides, without knowing what the hell either men or women are like. She now takes more interest in clothes, she describes how good a mother she would have been, how she can imagine more vividly how others feel, now that manliness is replaced with femininity. My goodness, how irate I became. Anyway, I am glad that she found happiness and even more glad that some things are different now, although there's still a long way to go.

The Old Wives' Tale
by Arnold Bennett

narrated by David Haig

"From working as children in their family's drapery shop to their later years, Constance and Sophia's journey through life could not be more different. While one travels the world and defies male expectations, the other becomes a dutiful wife and mother."

I really enjoyed this. It's been a long time since I've read Arnold Bennett, but I remember that I used to like his writing. And what's more, he writes wonderfully about women with agency, who are most definitely constrained by the restrictions of the era but don't sit back and let it define them. I think after all my forays into the Classics I have to conclude that I enjoy writing from the 18th and 19th century much more than anything more recent. 

The Great Gatsby
by F. Scott Fitzgerald

narrated by B. J. Harrison

"Nick Carraway is an aspiring writer; his cousin, Daisy, is married to the fabulously wealthy Tom Buchanan. Their neighbour, Jay Gatsby, throws extravagant and extraordinary parties in the exclusive and hallowed neighbourhood of West Egg."

I do think this is a fine piece of writing, although I can't say that I enjoyed it all that much. I found it hard to like any of the main characters, even the neutral narrator, and when you don't like any of the people it's difficult to like the book.

Breakfast of Champions
by Kurt Vonnegut

narrated by John Malkovich

"Set predominantly in the fictional town of Midland City, Ohio, the book focuses mainly on two characters: Dwayne Hoover, a Midland resident, Pontiac dealer and affluent figure in the city and Kilgore Trout, a widely published but mostly unknown science fiction author."

He's certainly a strange fish, this Vonnegut fellow. He writes in an odd manner, and it's lucky that I found it attractively odd this time or else the book would be unbearable. The author himself features as a character towards the end, revealing himself to his fictional counterparts as their Creator, and throughout the book there are drawings that have to be described in this audio version. I probably wouldn't recommend it, but I didn't find it too bad to listen to - John Malkovich is a great narrator. And it's admirably short.

Sailing the Worldly Winds
by Vajragupta

"Tossed around by gain, buffeted by loss, borne aloft by praise, cast down by blame, how can we not be ground under, lose all direction, confidence, and sense of purpose? This book focuses on the Buddha’s teaching of the worldly winds, how we can learn to navigate them more effectively, so that we can sail safely through life rather than being blown off course, however stormy the weather."

The second time I've read this, and this time I was doing it for my book group. Still my favourite Buddhist author, and most accessible (in my opinion), with some useful things to say about dealing with what life throws at me.

Lockdown lifting

Riverhill Himalayan Gardens, September 2020

There has been lots of vaccinating, lots and lots. For one whole shift, six hours, I did nothing else. Usually we each swap around to do at least two roles, but that's not how it worked out on that occasion. There have been no particular highlights - I meet a variety of people who work in all sorts of different places, but now that second vaccines have started there really isn't time to chat - we're working flat out. One tip if you're planning to get vaccinated any time soon - don't wear a tight-fitting long-sleeved shirt. It's surprising how many people end up having to get half-undressed, and it's not just the men.

Nothing notable to report at the moment. A bit of brain stretch with Mr MXF, a bit of meditation and study with the Buddhists, and we've managed to start walking together now that restrictions allow up to six of us to gather outside. The variable weather makes scheduling a walk a bit of a gamble, though, especially the day after it snowed. I met Lola II and Mr M at mum and dad's and made a splendid trifle for the occasion, and Mr M brought a garden plant for mum, and Lola II cut my hair at least as well as the salon without any of the fuss. 

I have been watching many films, doing some cooking, cleaning, sorting out the house, but no specific LTRP projects completed although I noticed a growing stain on the ceiling in the hall upstairs. I finally got round to going up into the loft to see what was there, and unfortunately the stain is growing under a water tank, so it's back to Olf's mate - the plumber who helped out after Flf left me in the lurch. And I've been in touch with a new builder to help repair the render on the wall next to the pub, and he's coming round to have a look at it next week.

Luckier than some

Munich Botanical Garden, December 2019

It's been more than a week and I feel the pressure to report in, but also resistance to writing a whole post about what I've been doing. It hasn't included anything that I imagine would interest anyone but me. Really, look away, there's nothing here, move on. But for the sake of my dedicated readers, who remind me how much they look forward to what I write, I feel bound to put something down.

I was on leave from the diabetes job for two weeks, and so had a bit of time for Mr MXF. In my first week I did some work that would actually affect one of his customers - not a real paying customer, but an organisation that Mr MXF supports on the side with website and email management. And it was successful! It still feels as though any success is more by luck and educated guesswork than knowledge and judgement, but still, it worked. Mr MXF reported back that I had received a vote of thanks at the Trustees meeting, which makes me feel even more of an imposter. In the second week I carried on my efforts to understand email hosting and servers, without noticeable success, which makes my triumph with the real customer even more surprising. 

I did another vaccination shift, where we had to use up 90 doses before 11 a.m. to avoid having to throw them away. So I contacted my diabetes team, and they all trooped over to help out. Which means that everyone except me has had their second dose - mine is due after Easter, but I might ask nicely at the end of my next shift and I should be able to have it then.

I had a big day of Sorting Out Stuff like renewing home insurance, reviewing my broadband contract (which ends in June), having an argument with my mobile provider about itemised billing, then investigating alternatives to find I could halve the monthly cost with a different mobile supplier on a month's rolling contract. Halving the cost only means saving £3 a month, but I'm giving it a try anyway - if it doesn't suit I don't have to wait more than a month to move to a different contract. The supplier I'm leaving got in touch, as they do when you threaten to move on, and told me that I'd been with them for 21 years. I was amazed. Can you believe mobile phones have existed for 21 years?

There's lots going on with the Buddhists, as always. I now have a meditation mentor who I chat to about twice a month, and so far has given me some good advice that I'm finding very difficult to follow. (Sounds familiar? I have managed to do the physiotherapy exercises more regularly, but it's still a struggle for motivation.) My regular Monday study group has finished the first whole year of the course in just a little more than a year, and we have settled down to a regular group of nine women via Zoom. The Tuesday group is still going and has maintained its Thursday study by choosing another book to work through together.

And as well as all that, I'm still pushing for expansion to our local group. We've managed to maintain our attendance for the last year despite not meeting in person, but without continually attracting more people the group is always at risk as people drift away over time. The difficulty is that we don't have an experienced practitioner to lead us on a regular basis, and for a number of reasons it's difficult to find one. I have some ideas, but I need to take the other members of the team along with me. So that's what I'm trying to do at the moment, which is occupying much time and thinking space.

I was very hopeful of finding a better venue to meet when we are ready to do so, and one of the group did make contact with somewhere that looked perfect. Unfortunately, when we were ready to get back to them we had lost the Tuesday evening slot. So unless something unexpected happens we'll probably have to go back to where we were meeting before, where there isn't WiFi. It's not an insurmountable problem, just a bit of a challenge.

And that's it for now. There's the exciting prospect of being able to do more and go places and meet people soon, but I'm trying not to raise my hopes because all this can be snatched away at a moment's notice if infection rates rise. But going out to work in two places, and having access to Lateral Flow testing, and seeing mum and dad a couple of times a month means I'm much luckier than some.

What I've been reading

Second Foundation
by Isaac Asimov

"The old First Empire lies shattered. It has been swept from the Milky Way's bright spiral by the inexorable expanding forces of the First Foundation, established by the psychohistorian Hari Seldon - the only man to have foreseen the shifting patterns of the inhabited cosmos."

I stamped my foot like a toddler and said that I wouldn't enjoy this book - well, I didn't, much, but it wasn't quite as bad as I expected. I can't for the life of me understand why the series has been labelled a classic - I still don't know whether I'm supposed to be for or against the Foundation, or which army was on which side and why. Anyway, I'm done with it all now.

The Lost Duke of Wyndham
by Julia Quinn

"Grace Eversleigh has spent the last five years toiling as the companion to the dowager Duchess of Wyndham. It is a thankless job, with very little break from the routine... until Jack Audley lands in her life, all rakish smiles and debonair charm."

One of the books on my shelf that I kept because I liked it the first time, but twice is definitely  enough. Hooray! I can move one solitary book out of my shelves. I'm going to have to think up another plan for emptying the house.

On The Road
by Jack Kerouac

narrated by Matt Dillon

"Sal Paradise, a young innocent, joins his hero Dean Moriarty, a traveller and mystic, the living epitome of beat, on a breathless, exuberant ride back and forth across the United States."

Another book from the list of Classics, and so marvellously narrated in a way that brought all the characters alive. Not much of a story arc, just a description of a few trips from New York to San Francisco by way of all sorts of other places, sometimes by bus, hitchhiking, and driving and meeting all kinds of people. The last trip to Mexico was probably the best.

Death in the Stocks
by Georgette Heyer

"Beneath a sky the colour of sapphires and the sinister moonlight, a gentleman in evening dress is discovered slumped in the stocks on the village green - he is dead. Superintendent Hannasyde's consummate powers of detection and solicitor Giles Carrington's amateur sleuthing are tested to their limits as they grapple with the Vereker family - a group of outrageously eccentric and corrupt suspects."

Easy to read and all the clues are there, such good fun to pin down the murderer.

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
by J. K. Rowling

"Harry Potter thinks he is an ordinary boy - until he is rescued by an owl, taken to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, learns to play Quidditch and does battle in a deadly duel."

A nice short one to start the series. It's good, but it's still going to the charity shop - or to the downstairs shelves for the time being.

Behold, Here's Poison

by Georgette Heyer

narrated by Ulli Birvé

"It's no ordinary morning at the Poplars. The master is found dead in his bed, and it seems his high blood pressure was not the cause. When an autopsy reveals a sinister poison, it's up to the quietly resourceful Inspector Hannasyde to catch the murderer in time to spare the next victim."

The plot was a good one but the book was slightly spoilt by the strange, slow narration, and the fact that the 'hero' came over as pretty unlikeable, which might also have been because of the narration. It seemed unrealistic when the girl fell for him, and the dialogue of the proposal scene was dreadful. In fact I've now convinced myself that it was the writing not the narration. Pity. 

The Journey and the Guide: A Practical Course in Enlightenment
by Maitreyabandhu

"The journey starts with our mind, particularly when we begin to look into the truth of things - the truth of the friend in hospital, the coffin we carry to the graveside. What we find in our guide, the Buddha, is a man with a fit, healthy mind. To get fit, we need to work on becoming a happy healthy human being."

Within my Buddhist group we've spent eight weeks reading and discussing this book, chapter by chapter. It's very readable but not particularly coherent, and most of us agreed that there are some bits that we bump up against, the main one being the author's focus on same-sex friendships above all other relationships. We've invited him to speak to our group next week, so that will be interesting.

Prosperity Without Growth: Economics for a Finite Planet
by Tim Jackson

"This challenge to conventional economics openly questions the most highly prized goal of politicians and economists alike: the continued pursuit of exponential economic growth."

I'm no economist so the majority of this book was way beyond my understanding. But I read all the words anyway, and luckily the last chapter summarised the argument in non-economic terms. Essentially, to support a growing population our capitalist society relies on economic growth fuelled by our inclination towards consumerism and novelty . This is not sustainable in the context of a planet with limited resources. The answer has to be found within social policy, as do most of the issues that compete with the selfish and hedonistic nature of humans (like better health, diet and exercise).

What I've been reading

Foundation and Empire
by Isaac Asimov

"In this struggle for power amid the chaos of the stars, man stands at the threshold of a new, enlightened life which could easily be put aside for the old forces of barbarism."

I can hardly believe that I thought this series was worth keeping for re-reading. Admittedly the twist at the end of this book is a good one, but doesn't justify the 200 pages leading up to it. I'll probably skim the third book of the series for completeness but I won't enjoy it.

Wise Children
by Angela Carter

narrated by Tracey Ullman

"Born illegitimately, spurned by their father Melchior and brought up by their landlady, Mrs Chance, Dora and Nora learn to dance, and begin to forge a career. After the post-war decline of their careers they are reduced to performing in nude revues, while the latest generation of Hazards rise to fame as stars of television."

It wasn't a bad book to read, and the narrator was terrific, but I ended up wondering what was the point of it? Pleasant enough, but nothing has stayed with me after a day or two.

Thinking, Fast and Slow
by Daniel Kahneman

"Two systems that drive the way we think. System 1 is fast, intuitive, and emotional; System 2 is slower, more deliberative, and more logical. The impact of loss aversion and overconfidence on corporate strategies, the difficulties of predicting what will make us happy in the future, the challenges of properly framing risks at work and at home - each of these can be understood only by knowing how the two systems work together to shape our judgments and decisions. "

An academic book written for a lay audience, I was very impressed by this book the first time I read it, but gave it back to the person who'd lent it to me and declined to buy it for myself. Well, that was four years ago and now I not only have my own copy (which I found in a 2nd hand book shop) but bought another to give to a friend for Christmas. With Christmas being cancelled that book is still gift wrapped in my hall. Anyway, I thought I'd re-read my own copy, and what do you know, I found it much less interesting this time. Now I'm wondering whether to find a different book to give to my friend for Christmas.

Ritual and Devotion in Buddhism: an Introduction
by Sangharakshita

"Imagine a world without beauty, myth, celebration or ritual. It seems that to feel fully and vibrantly alive, these experiences are essential to us, helping us to feel in touch with all levels of our being by engaging our emotions, senses and imagination."

My Monday study group is about to embark on a series of sessions about ritual, and this is the textbook to go with that. I'm not entirely comfortable with the Buddhist ritual I've encountered so far, and my discomfort is readily acknowledged in this book as a common reaction. But I continue to enjoy the study, and nothing within Buddhism is compulsory, so I'll keep trying it out to see if it becomes more comfortable over time. And if not, that's fine too.

A burst of enthusiasm

Great Dixter, July 2020

I was on retreat over the New Year. Sometimes these online retreats are fairly short and easy, with perhaps one meditation together and another session with some teaching every day. This one was full speed ahead, three sessions and sometimes four every day for a week, leaving little time for anything else - which is the point, really. It helps to keep you focussed on the Buddhist life.

I did manage a couple of other activities - a second trip to the tip with all the horrible thorny garden cuttings, a walk with a new member of the local Buddhist group and his dog, and a Zoom get-together with all the friends who would have been in the house in Devon if we had been able to go on the planned New Year holiday.

So when the retreat ended and I had a whole week of stuff to catch up with, I felt glad that I'm not at work until next week. I have spent a lot of time on the computer with that New Year enthusiasm that wears off so quickly. But I'll take advantage while it's there...

It's official - Flf the plumber didn't respond to my messages in the timescale I gave him, which leaves me with a usable but not quite finished wet room. New Year enthusiasm stretched to making a series of calls and emails to try and find someone to finish the job. I had the great idea of contacting Olf and asking him for a recommendation, and then while I was at it I thought I'd start on the next idea, which is to rearrange the bedrooms upstairs. 

One of the necessary steps is to make the wardrobe in the smaller room into something more than a clothes rail. Being an organised kind of person I went back to find the paperwork for the company that had installed the wardrobe in the bigger bedroom, which was 15 years ago. Not surprisingly, the phone wasn't answered, but a quick enquiry via Checkatrade produced a response from a different firm.

Then I was notified that my request to set up remote working had been actioned. This is more a precautionary measure in case I have to self-isolate, to allow me to phone patients from home. I need access to three specific systems plus my stored files and email, and it took quite a long time to follow all the instructions, installing an authentication app on my phone, then using that to log into a remote connection, then working out how to launch the systems that I need. Two of them won't work at the moment, one because it requires a keyboard where you insert a smartcard, and another because it doesn't work on Microsoft browsers. But we're halfway there.

I also responded to a call for volunteers to assist the vaccination programme. This has now extended to Allied Health Professionals like Dietitians, but it's unclear whether I'll be trained to actually give the vaccine injections or just support the team at the vaccination hub, perhaps with paperwork or helping patients. Anyway, the first step along the path has been to complete two extra training modules on anaphylaxis and core knowledge for vaccinators, which I've now done.

Another outlet for my enthusiasm this week included a trip to mum and dad who are defined in this third lockdown as my support bubble. Each time I find my time there fully utilised, finding out the progress of our attempt to switch mum's bank account (in summary - a right old mess), helping with all types of computer things, and this time, listening to a number of dad's stories after lunch. These tend to start with plausible memories (the friend with whom dad played violin duets at a school concert, the inspirational English teacher) and then progress to less believable detail (the friend's body was dug from his grave by wild animals). But some of the medical anecdotes remain fascinating all the way through. 

I managed to forget two things, though - one was the shopping that mum had asked for, so not only is she short of the specified items but I am now the proud owner of more margarine and soft cheese than I normally eat in a year. The other, which I have only just remembered, was to change my own email address in their Contacts list. Either that will have to wait for the next visit, or we'll arrange a time to go through it remotely.

Socialising

Munich Botanical Gardens, December 2019

What has happened? Have we been left high and dry? Where are the regular outpourings of trivia that we have come to expect about once a week?

Well, the effect of lockdown is to prevent me doing anything except things that I've written about again and again - work at the hospital, work for Mr MXF, Buddhist stuff. And Flf the plumber has now stopped responding to my emails and texts and I suspect that he is cutting his losses and leaving me to it, so nothing on the LTRP front at the moment either. Although I did manage to chop up ten bags of thorny green stuff from the garden and take it to the tip in the pouring rain. That's the trouble with now having to book a fixed time to go to the tip - you can't wimp out just because the weather is inclement. There's probably another ten bags still waiting on the lawn to be chopped up.

We had a games night on Zoom with Lola II, Mr M and old friends from long ago. We had been doing this regularly in the early days of lockdown but it had tailed off a bit, so nice to see people again, catch up, and make plans for a New Year's Eve get together. On that occasion the attendance will be augmented by all the people who were supposed to be together in person for our holiday booked in Devon so long ago, and it now seems very optimistic even to be thinking about it for next year.

I also met some people in real life at the Birmingham Buddhist Centre, where six of the women I've been studying with had their Mitra ceremony. It was a lovely event, and I took away a number of points where I would want to replicate their ideas (e.g. recorded mantras as we're not allowed to sing or chant) and other points that I would want to do differently (e.g. the people on Zoom never saw the people in the room and we in the room were never told who was on Zoom, even though there was a screen, but it was too far away and I couldn't see it well enough to make out faces or read names). We're going to be experimenting soon with tethering tablets and laptops to mobile phones in our own hall, so maybe there will be progress to report at some point.

Until then, there's nothing much to add unless something exciting crops up between this draft and pressing the 'Publish' button.

What I've been reading

Watchmen
by Alan Moore (Author), Dave Gibbons (Illustrator)

"A ground-breaking graphic novel that chronicles the fall from grace of a group of super-heroes plagued by all-too-human failings. Along the way, the concept of the super-hero is dissected as the heroes are stalked by an unknown assassin."

This is a book that made a huge impact on publication in 1986 - I remember the buzz about this novel for adults told in pictures, but never saw a copy until visiting a friend recently, who let me borrow it. I can see how it broke new ground, and it's a whole different experience reading in pictures in this way, but I found that I couldn't absorb the threads of the story as well as if it had been told in words, the way I'm used to. It's a bit like the radio plays I sometimes listen to - I don't remember who's who and so can't follow the plot as well as if I were watching as well as listening. I'm sure I could get used to it, but as far as I know there aren't any more graphic novels in my reading list.

Solitude and Loneliness: A Buddhist View
by Sarvananda

"Drawing on a wide range of sources – the poets Dickinson and Hafiz, the painter Edward Hopper, the sage Milarepa, the lives of Helen Keller and Chris McCandless, and of course the Buddha – Sarvananda explores the themes of isolation, loneliness and solitude from a Buddhist perspective and examines how and why our relationship to ourselves can be a source of both suffering and liberation."

This is my first e-book and I read it entirely on my tablet, and it's the strangest thing - not having the paper copy in my hand leaves me a little bit adrift. I can't judge where I am in the narrative. It turns out that I value knowing that I'm half way through, say, to adjust my attitude to whether the author is introducing new ideas or rounding off old ones, and although I only finished the book last night I'm struggling to remember what was in it. I think I enjoyed it while I was reading, so perhaps I'll have to have another go at it.

Brighton Rock
by Graham Greene

narrated by Samuel West

"A gang war is raging through the dark underworld of Brighton. Pinkie, malign and ruthless, has killed a man. Believing he can escape retribution, he is unprepared for the courageous, life-embracing Ida Arnold."

One of the first audio books I listened to was 'Travels With My Aunt' by the same author. Although I remember very little of the story I know it was fun to listen to, while his tales of sweaty civil servants having affairs were much less fun. This one comes in between - not exactly fun, but at least I understood where it was coming from. I'm not sure if it's the audio medium or the more familiar setting of Brighton rather than Vietnam or Cuba that makes me like it better, because one thing's for sure, it never ends well for the characters in Greene's books.

Brain strain #1 - Buddhism

Adhisthana, November 2019

I think it's time that I wrote a bit about what's going on with me and this Buddhism lark, given how much of my time it's taking up. If you imagine splitting all my waking hours into five, then one fifth is working as a Diabetes Dietitian in the NHS, one fifth is activity relating to Triratna Buddhism, one fifth is activity relating to my new employment with Mr MXF (or at least, it's fast growing to become that size), and the other two-fifths contains everything else - socialising, housework, cooking, exercise, home admin, LTRP, watching films, writing blog posts.

So there's a lot of Buddhism going on, and I've been wondering whether it's just because it gives me a project to put into that fifth of my life. While I was on retreat last week I tried to scale back on distractions, using social media as little as possible, not turning on the TV or watching films, no Internet, checking email and my phone as little as possible, and those changes weren't too difficult. The thing that was the hardest by far is that I decided not to distract myself with anything during mealtimes - no reading, podcasts, radio, puzzle books, planning, making lists, browsing the Internet. In fact, it was so unbearable that I had to pull back a little and allow myself classical music rather than silence while I ate.

I seem to have a big problem doing nothing (especially during mealtimes). Not that it's a good idea to do a lot of nothing, but surely I should be able to relax without having something useful to do all the time? Just sit, without referring to one of my lists to tell me what's waiting for my attention, what really needs to get done by the end of the week, what new job I ought to get started on? If I can't do that then the end of the LRTP plus retirement are going to leave me in a bit of a state, sitting in my beautiful house wondering what to do next. And I don't want Buddhism to become the thing that fills the gap for no other reason than my other projects are finished.

Having said that, one of the reasons I got involved with the Buddhists and with Mr MXF was because work was so unsatisfying, the LTRP, housework and admin (while necessary) aren't all that enjoyable, and I wanted a local group of friends with values and interests that are similar to mine. But the reason for staying involved is only partly to fill a gap in my social life and fulfil my need to have ideas and see them come about. It has also helped me understand a bit more about myself and identify aspects of me that I want to acknowledge and accept, and other aspects that I'd like to change.

The essence of Buddhism is that your actions have consequences. That's it in a nutshell. The idea is that 'skillful' actions are those that are helpful, constructive, have positive results, and not only that but they also make you feel better about yourself and the world. 'Unskillful' actions are the opposite. And everyone is free to choose whichever actions they wish to take, but if you are a Buddhist you commit to trying your best to be skillful. I'm very happy to go along with this, because it has been proven by experience time and time again in my life.

Of course there's also the Buddha, there's 2,500 years of writing and poetry and art and teaching, there's arcane ritual if you want it, but there are no rules, no Commandments, no tablets of stone, only guidance that is based on this fundamental truth - you are in charge of your actions, and your actions have consequences. There are suggestions about what skillful and unskillful actions look like, and how you might go about changing habitual responses to become more skillful, and that's where meditation comes in, as a way of reflecting and thinking about how to change your habits for the better.

The Buddha wasn't a god. He was a privileged man, the son of a local chief, who gave it all up because he thought there had to be more to life. Somehow he worked out what that looked like, and started a movement, taught a load of followers, but even then he didn't lay down laws or require obedience. Alongside all the teachings his core message was, "Don't take my word for it, try it out for yourself." I find that very attractive. I don't have to believe in a load of magical nonsense, although if you do want magical nonsense there's lots to be found in the Buddhist texts. I don't have to believe in an all-powerful god figure. I don't even have to believe in reincarnation, which is lucky because that would be a problem for me.

So a month or two ago I decided to take the plunge, and declare myself a Buddhist. In normal circumstances this would be confirmed by a ceremony (arcane ritual, anyone?) but for six months this hasn't been possible. So it has been agreed verbally ("yes, we agree, you can join our club") and we are planning some sort of hybrid ceremony in person and online where I become a 'mitra', which literally means a 'friend' within the Triratna Buddhist Community. It isn't ordination, where you make a much stronger commitment and get a Sanskrit name, and in fact nobody should notice the change if I don't mention it. It feels quite uncomfortable mentioning it here, because I didn't set up this blog to talk about personal stuff. But I suppose it must be important enough to write about because here I am writing about it.

So why the brain strain?

It's because it turns out that I am illiterate. I'm like a yokel brought up on a farm, making a living, doing very well, doesn't realise she can't read until someone gives her a book. I've always understood stuff - I've found some of it badly written, or uninteresting, and sometimes I've had to put some effort into working out what it means, but I've always understood written and spoken sentences before. 

Buddhist teachers can be using English and stringing words together where I know the meaning of all the words, but they are put in an order that makes no sense to me. Using metaphors of the heart, and the senses, and long words like 'integration' and 'enlightenment'. What I never knew was that there is a great big hole in my mind; after listening to a talk others nod wisely and offer comments and clarification that also make no sense whatever, and the teacher says 'Yes', or 'I would put it differently' or 'That's a good point' and I'm still entirely in the dark.

But it doesn't matter. There's no exam. I absolutely don't have to understand anything except that I have a choice of actions and I am responsible for the consequences. Anything I grasp on top of that is a bonus. And it's not all murky incomprehension, there's a whole lot that I do understand, and as time goes by I fit more little pieces into the picture. The challenge is that the picture is a million-piece 3D jigsaw with a blank image and no box lid to show what the end product looks like.

This retreat I attended last week was for people who have at least three years experience as a mitra, so it's to be expected that I had a little trouble. But even over the course of the week I understood a tiny bit more and can put that to work within the bigger project of being as happy as I can in this life and doing as little damage to others as possible. And taking responsibility for my actions.

What I've been reading

The Full Cupboard of Life
by Alexander McCall Smith

"Mma Precious Ramotswe helps indecisive fiancé Mr J.L.B. Matekoni when orphan farm manager Mma Potakwani persuades him to jump out of an aeroplane, and a bullying dishonest competing mechanic calls."

Not much more to say about this one now that we're in the full swing of the series. As good as the others, a very enjoyable read.

Hello World: How to be Human in the Age of the Machine
by Hannah Fry

"Welcome to the age of the algorithm, the story of a not-too-distant future where machines rule supreme, making important decisions – in healthcare, transport, finance, security, what we watch, where we go, even who we send to prison."

I've learned a lot about algorithms here, but while I enjoyed the book a lot I haven't retained much information after reading it. It does have some very interesting case study narratives, and raises many of the issues that I am aware of - how does a self-driving car decide between two different fatality rates? why is it important for human pilots to override automatic pilots (this one surprised me - pilots weren't required to practise without automation until after a fatal accident in 2009). The book reinforces my belief that if human error puts you on the wrong side of an algorithm (e.g. identified as someone you're not, or having an incorrect credit score), you can be in as much trouble as if the algorithm were correct. 

A History of Britain: The Fate of Empire
by Simon Schama

narrated by Stephen Thorne

"This volume tells the eventful and exhilarating story of Britain’s rise and fall as an imperial power, from the political turmoil of the 1770s to the struggle of present day leaders to find a way to make a different national future."

He's picked a few subjects to focus on: India, Ireland and Winston Churchill spring to mind, but as he says, it's A History, not The History. I really should try and learn about the history of the United States next.

Change Your Mind
by Paramananda

"Buddhism is based on the truth that, with effort, we can change the way we are, and among the many methods Buddhism has to offer, meditation is the most direct. It is the art of getting to know one's own mind and learning to encourage what is best in us."

I first read this in June 2018, and wrote at that time that I would come back to it in about a year, when I'd probably get more out of it. It's been two years, but I was absolutely right - I understand many more of the references, and it's been a good reminder of some of the more basic principles of Buddhist meditation alongside this advanced level retreat I'm on.

Buddhism: tools for living your life
by Vajragupta

"The personal stories, examples, exercises, and questions in this book help transform Buddhist practice into more than just a fine set of ideals. They make the path of ethics, meditation, and wisdom a tangible part of our lives."

Very readable and pitched just right for the point I'm at, where I know a few things but not at great depth. So it reinforces things I've picked up and adds just a little more to think about. And it's nice having met the writer, who is also a great teacher.

In the Company of Cheerful Ladies
by Alexander McCall Smith

"Not only has Mma Ramotswe suffered a mishap - a collision between her tiny white van and a bicycle - but she is also having to deal with a major personality clash between her assistant Mma Makutsi and Charlie, one of the garage apprentices."

This is probably the best so far, interesting stories that take the characters a bit further along their path.

The Triratna Story: Behind the Scenes of a New Buddhist Movement
by Vajragupta

"This is the story of a circle of friends dreaming a dream, and working to make it a reality. It’s a record of idealism and naivety, growth and growing pains, friendship and fall-out. It’s a celebration of how so much was achieved in so short a time, and a reflection on the mistakes made, and lessons learnt."

An easy read during my retreat, this tells the history of the Friends of the Western Buddhist Order from its origin in 1960's London up to its change of name to Triratna in 2010. Of little interest to the general public, it's quite useful to me because I'm trying to work out how to grow the Warwick Group, and knowing a bit about the structure of the organisation may help me to understand where we might get a bit of help along the way.

Slow progress

September 2020

The highlight of the year so far has been a visit from Lola II and Mr M, bringing not just themselves but gifts - home grown edible nasturtiums from Mr M, Lola II cooked delicious vegan gyoza dumplings, and the fun and games that come with any visit from those two. I had planned Sunday lunch at a pub that is a significant walk away, which turned out to be a bit too significant because I broke both Lola II and Mr M and we had to stop on the walk back a bit earlier than expected for coffee and cake.

Apart from that they survived the privations of my cold house (luckily the weather was still very warm) and the shower situation, which seems to be scheduled to continue until the end of time. The Flfs returned, and Flf 1 was Not Happy about the state of the wall, even though the damp man had guaranteed that it would be OK. They put in the floor tray and did the first stage of the floor levelling, and will come back next week to level some more and put the board over the wall that Flf 1 is Not Happy about. This is all taking an age because the tiler can't come until the end of October and there will be more finishing off to do after that.

And my Lady Gardener has left me - she said she was sorry but her other responsibilities mean she has to give up some of the gardening. I am going to have to 'prune' the wisteria myself - I might just take it down to waist height and see if it survives. In fact I'd be perfectly happy to do that to every shrub out there if it wasn't so much work.

On the positive side (at least I hope it's positive) the pub next door is about to open up again. The beer garden gradually filled with junk, and then all the junk went and tables appeared, and there have been signs in the window saying 'opening soon' for ages, and then I discovered via Facebook that it's tonight (Friday). So I am obliged to show my face although I really don't want a drink because I am starting a week's Buddhist retreat tonight.

Buddhist retreats used to be where you got away from it all to some remote place without a phone signal or wifi and concentrated on other things for a while. The program was always fairly minimal - meditation before breakfast, a short morning session, a short afternoon session and sometimes an hour in the evening, sometimes not, and in between you could sit, walk, read, ponder, all in wonderful peace and quiet.

Now the sessions are online and I'm at home in between sessions, so I'm going to have to find some way of recreating the feeling of 'away from it all' despite not having taken time off work and having a few other necessary responsibilities. So I'm only going to check essential email once a day, phone messages and texts twice a day, and on the computer only for working. At least I'll be at home for the plumbers.

Birthday happiness

July 2020

In the week leading up to my birthday I signed up to an online Buddhist retreat, to be undertaken at home. Usually a retreat takes you away from all mundane cares, with nothing to worry about except trying not to be late for meals and the scheduled sessions, and there aren't all that many of those. On the other hand, at home there's still all the usual stuff to be done, and in my case many tradesmen to communicate with, and it was difficult to separate myself from phone and Internet and TV. 

I also signed up too late to be able to take time off work so I missed the sessions on Monday and Tuesday, and as well as work there were still my usual evening meetings on Monday and Tuesday, and I had a pre-existing meeting on Wednesday. The retreat sessions were recorded and available through a web page, but I never did catch up. It was a very full week.

The day before my birthday Lola II and Mr M and I went to see mum and dad, and I brought shopping from Lidl which mum misses above all things. The weather was perfect so we could sit outside, and we brought our camping stoves and cooked our own lunch. I went home with Lola II and Mr M and we ordered takeaway Japanese food in the evening, and took part in the latest scheduled Zoom meeting with friends - a quiz.

Lola II and Mr M gave me some plum chutney made from their home-grown plums which I'm looking forward to trying. Such a shame that their grape vine has died, I really enjoyed the grape jam, although the diet doesn't really allow for much jam at the moment. I'm still losing weight but more slowly - 5.7kg down now, and hoping for just 1kg more. I started the diet because my clothes were too tight and I didn't want to have to go shopping for new ones, so there's little point in reaching a situation where I have to go shopping because my clothes are too loose.

The weather for my birthday was as lovely as the previous day, and as I chatted to the man behind the fish counter at Waitrose about it and mentioned that it was my birthday, he stuck a label on my purchase indicating that it would be free of charge! Then when I arrived home I noticed a skip outside my neighbour's house which had a couple of bar stools in it. They looked a bit dusty but seemed intact, and were a perfect match with my existing bar stools and the colour of my kitchen walls. It has occasionally been awkward having only three stools, so I took one out and cleaned it up (with permission from the skip owner who is having a clear out before moving away). 

And so endeth the birthday, with a fish supper, while sitting on a stool, enjoying the glorious sunshine of a lockdown summer.

Flattening the curve

Juma Lake Inn, Amazonia, April 2019

What with work only being two days a week, I have a lot of time confined to Lola Towers except for my one exercise break a day. I signed up to the zombie-based Couch to 5K programme and it's going pretty well, as it's quite easy to find time for a run three times a week, and on the zombie-free days I usually go for a walk somewhere local, especially in this lovely weather. That was fine for three weeks, then I unexpectedly discovered that you have to pay to continue so I have reverted to a different app. I do miss my zombies, though.

Shopping for fresh goods is no more than once a week, and for two weeks I had a HelloFresh food delivery. The first one was because they offered a hefty discount, and the second was because I forgot to cancel after the first. I'm still on the calorie-restricted diet, which has been quite tricky with the HelloFresh meals because they are pretty rich. I've had to divide their recipes for two meals into three and in one case into four to get them to fit into my daily calorie budget, but it is getting slightly easier to manage and I'm not feeling hungry absolutely all of the time, which I was at the start. Weight loss is only a paltry 1 kg in three weeks, but at least it's going in the right direction and I think it is sustainable.

Along with cooking and running there's been quite a lot of online activity with this great communication tool, Zoom, which nobody seemed to know about a month ago but now we are all experts. I've had Zoom meetings for dinner, three times for games, for several sessions of Buddhist meditation and discussion and team meetings, and for a tour of four paintings in the National Gallery led by Lola II. At one point I actually felt I'd had enough of this social activity and was longing for the old days when I could be properly anti-social. Now everyone knows where you are: at home.

Sometimes there's extra online time with mum now that our remote control system is working nicely. I'm still grappling with the task of changing my email address and passwords with about a hundred different people and organisations - alphabetically I've reached the letter M so still some way to go. I've got my DVD subscription and I'm also ploughing through all the episodes of Friends and ER, although I don't like sitting watching the TV for too long. And, due to my pestering mum about the food in her kitchen cupboards I found myself in possession of nearly a kilogram of out-of-date ground almonds, so I've made a couple of cakes and taken them to work.

But I'd say the Buddhism has taken up the most time, all via Zoom or YouTube. On Mondays our study group continues, on Tuesdays it's the local group and on Thursdays I can join a meeting with the Birmingham group if I want to. One weekend there was a day-long online retreat (we weren't online all day - that would have been exhausting). Another weekend there was a seminar for people like me who are involved in the organisation of groups, all about the different ways to take our groups online. And I also watched a public ordination, where an individual became a member of the Triratna Order and took on a new name, all within the confines of the current social distancing restrictions. And I'm meditating regularly, which helps with the confinement.

For the first time in ages my list of Things To Do is getting shorter rather than longer, and I've got out some old jigsaws. Of course what I ought to be doing is going through the stuff I put in the loft to get it out of my line of sight, which worked so well that I've hardly thought about it until now. Maybe next week. And there's the garden, which I thought would be so manageable with the help of a gardener, but I'm back on my own again and it just keeps growing.

Social distancing

Rio de Janeiro Botanical Gardens, April 2019

This is certainly the strangest period of time I have lived through. Nothing has come close to this level of disruption to ordinary habits that I previously took for granted.

Apart from the cancellation of all formal social activities and gatherings, the guidance on what we should individually do is making me think hard about my daily routines. I am more happy than most to spend time alone and avoid social contact, but I have been surprised by the extent to which I miss seeing people. Work is now the only place where I get to talk face to face, and so my work colleagues have become quite acceptable people to talk to where previously they were a long way down the list. I'll be writing more about work in a future post; there's a lot going on.

This period of social isolation has coincided with an interesting conversation with an old friend about an online weight loss program with which he has achieved amazing success (he's lost enough weight to reverse his Type 2 Diabetes). I was persuaded to give it a try, and have been restricting myself as it advises, to 1200 calories a day for the last 12 days.

There is an app, and you log your food and your steps and it gives you little pep talks every day based on evidence of what it takes to lose weight and keep it off. There is very little there that I don't already know, but it is the first time I've tried to log everything that I'm eating, and I have to admit that it works quite well to keep me on track. I still feel deprived - 1200 kcal isn't very much - but I have managed to save enough of my calorie budget to include some chocolate on a couple of days. The app is free for two weeks and then they propose to charge me an absolute fortune - my friend is on a much cheaper plan, perhaps because he had much more weight to lose. So I plan to unsubscribe, but if I keep on tracking my calories and steps using free apps I might actually achieve the change that I'm looking for.

Of course the other side of weight loss is calories expended in movement. No badminton! No unnecessary excursions out of doors! What am I to do?

Well, walking, cycling and running are all that's left while we're still allowed out of doors for our one form of exercise per day. I thought I would have another go at running, and a friend recommended an app for listening to while running that ought to make it a bit more interesting - it's called 'Zombies, Run!' It provides a story to accompany the tedium of running which, as you might guess, involves running away from zombies. I've only listened to the introduction and the first 'workout' so far, so we'll see how I get on. It lets you play your own music in the background as well, which is a great help.

Then there are my Buddhist groups which all shut down for a period of active online discussion about what we should do next, resulting in the use of various online methods. I've done my first two using Zoom and Skype and it's certainly better than nothing, but not as good as face to face meetings by a long chalk. All of the retreats I was so looking forward to in the spring and summer have obviously been cancelled, and the Leamington Peace Festival, and the cousin from Seattle's visit, and family weekends, and even a work study day that I'd somehow been allowed to book. I haven't given up on July and August yet, but I think the chances are slim that the restrictions will be lifted by then.

Catching up

February 2020

Since my last post I've been off skiing for a week in France, and then come back to a punishing schedule of having to go to work for three days, two evenings of Buddhist activity, meeting up with Lola II for a day trip to Oxford, a replacement filling in a back tooth, and a weekend with sister D.

The skiing was with lovely friends and we all had a good time even though we lost out on one day because of bad weather. I travelled over on the Eurostar overnight ski train which means I had two nights of no sleep but a full eight days of skiing. The return trip coincided with Storm Ciara and trains back home from London were terribly disrupted. Instead of a straightforward 2 hours to Leamington it took more than 4 hours and the last leg was from Coventry on a bus, which I had to direct to the station because there was a closed road and a diversion, presumably due to fallen debris.

A recent casualty of the rain has been my front door, which has been performing its annual trick of swelling in the wet weather. It had got so bad before I went away that in order to secure the house I had to force it shut from the inside and then leave the house through the garage. I had a go at shaving it down when I got back but in the end gave in and called the trusty Ilf, who came round the same day and sorted it out. I'm seriously considering getting an alternative and less temperamental front door.

At work I'm finding it quite difficult to fit in everything that I'm required to do in under two days a week, and going away for a week makes it even more difficult. However, I have discovered that one of my Diabetes Dietitian colleagues has been asked to stand in for our Team Leader, which is a welcome development as she is pretty much doing that job anyway and is very competent and nice to work with. Advertising and appointing officially to the post has been delayed because the factors that led to the resignation of the previous two incumbents are still in place, but this may be changing over the next six months as three key members of staff are leaving. The other Diabetes Dietitian who has been off sick for about seven months shows no sign of returning to work, so we are still short of two people.

One of the extra jobs that we are all supposed to do is to supervise student Dietitians on their placements with us. Being part time and not based on the main site I have got away with not doing as much supervising as some others, but I found my name on a list of such people who were being asked to do a bit more. So I stepped up and volunteered to supervise a Peer Assisted Learning activity about biochemistry, i.e. the results of blood tests and how they impact on a Dietitian's role.

I had to go over to the main hospital where the four students were waiting. Their task was to find out all the reference ranges for lots of different factors - electrolytes, liver enzymes, blood components and much more - and then consider two ward-based case studies. The difficulty for me was that I hardly ever have to review biochemistry results except for those connected with diabetes, and the case studies were nothing to do with diabetes. So I'd already had to spend some time with one of the other Dietitians to go through the case studies and make sure I knew the answers myself. But it was fine, I'm one step ahead of them and they believe I know more than they do so that's all it takes.

What else? A big meeting at work that went quite well. A lovely day in Oxford with Lola II, even though the restaurant we wanted to have lunch at was closed and the film we wanted to see was sold out. The weekend with Sister D was good too, even though the weather was not. A proposed walk with the Buddhists coincided with Storm Dennis so nobody turned up except the regular team, and we swiftly retreated to a cafe out of the rain and wind. We held an impromptu team meeting and got quite a bit done in the hour we spent in the cafe.

I still don't feel like I've quite caught up with everything that needs to be done since being away for a week, but I need to remember that catching up with everything that needs to be done isn't always necessary. A surprising number of things can actually wait until I get round to them. All aboard the next week's rollercoaster!

Bureacracy

Cheltenham Pump Rooms, October 2019

I think I'm pretty much back in control again after that brief chaotic interlude. The tooth is OK, antibiotics finished, pictures, music and documents transferred to the new laptop and a start made on the podcasts and books, all the Buddhists are still happy as far as I know, and the house is behaving itself. I've even spent more time in the garden digging a trench and putting bricks in it between the 'beds' and the 'lawn'. I seem to have successfully employed a different Lady Gardener to help me maintain it - we'll see how that turns out. And there are daffodils coming up, and some snowdrops! It must be nearly Spring.

Things that have happened: I delivered the presentation to the Dietitians, which seemed to go down well although only four people attended apart from the two other Diabetes Dietitians. And I got paid for the session I did in November. Then there has been lots of hot Buddhist action. In the local group we have been delivering an introductory course for newcomers which has attracted more than 20 people, filling our small village hall to bursting. We had a team meeting in which I progressed with my plan for world domination by proposing to invite a lot of senior people from the movement to come to lead a session for our little group. And I went to the second meeting of the study group in Birmingham, via a different route which took 90 minutes during rush hour, so I'm not going that way again.

The most demanding task I have had to tackle this week has been the extraordinary bureaucracy involved in applying for a Blue Badge online on behalf of mum and dad. It was the longest and most complicated form I have ever had to tackle; way more difficult than applying for a divorce online. Each application took about an hour and required scanning and uploading documents and digital photographs, and when we had finished and successfully applied, the acknowledgement email required details that had not been requested within the application and threatened denial of the application if they weren't supplied. This is what the state demands of someone who has a condition requiring a Blue Badge.

See the bricks between the 'beds' and the 'lawn'? January 2020

Out of control

Rio de Janeiro Botanical Gardens, April 2019

Everything is briefly but totally out of control. My email Inbox, which I try to keep below about 40 items maximum, is at 73 and counting. I haven't sat at my desk for nearly a week, and when I have it's been to try and set up the new laptop with everything I need in the configuration that I need it. And now that I have most of a day to address the situation I have developed toothache that has kept me awake most of the night, and, separately, a possible lost filling (it's hard to tell, it's at the back and I can't see it very well, or even know what I'm looking for).

Those are my current home-based woes, then. In addition, at work I rashly volunteered to deliver a development session to the department of my fellow Dietitians all about technologies for Type 1 diabetes, and because I was going to base it on the talk I gave recently to the students I didn't think it would take that long to write. And it hasn't taken that long, but what I didn't consider is that my reduction in hours has left me with almost no time outside clinics, and three weeks time is actually only a few hours of available working hours. So I've had to do a bit of that at home too.

[The payment for the session I delivered in November has still not come through, although at last I have completed the relevant forms, and not been required to attend for an interview to determine whether I am legally able to work in the UK. Then they queried the forms because I hadn't completed the 'emergency contact' section for a session that has already been delivered. I should be paid by the end of this month.]

And now I've started writing this blog I realise that it is actually much more important to address the accumulation in my Inbox - I've already phoned the dentist for an emergency appointment, and the new laptop is doing all the email and browsing nicely. Transferring the pictures has been problematic and I haven't started on any of the other files or programmes yet, although I have dipped a toe in Microsoft's free cloud-based Office Suite and OpenDrive in order to try and do the presentation for work. It all takes so much time.

I should have a bit more free time on Saturday when I'm not at the dentist or cleaning the toilet or making vegan brownies because some Buddhists are coming over for a team meeting. I still haven't finished the presentation for the Dietitians and I'm supposed to be delivering it on Tuesday, and Sunday is reserved for another Buddhist event where the brownies will be finished. There's been lots of Buddhism this week - on Monday evening I went to the first meeting of my Study Group, which is displacing my Monday badminton for the next three months.

And it's now Saturday and the dentist has given me some antibiotics and booked me in for the filling in a month and the toilet is cleaned and the Buddhists loved the brownies and I'm about to get stuck in and finish the presentation for the Dietitians and deal with some more of the email and then a bit of ironing and housework. But first, I'll just publish this.

So, a little bit out of control. But in a very good way.

End of year musings

Adhisthana, July 2019

I've been spending a good deal more time with the Buddhists over the past year. My idea of finding a group of people with the same values and outlook as myself has paid dividends, because as well as finding the people I was looking for, I've found that my ability to deal with the world, friends, colleagues and family has noticeably improved. It may be a coincidence and would have happened anyway with my change in personal circumstances and solitary living, but I prefer to believe that it's the Buddhists, and a combination of the people and the meditation.

I meditate at the Tuesday meetings, but also at home most days too. I can't put my finger on how or why it helps, and I'm pretty sure it's too incremental to notice day by day, but looking back at when I started nearly four years ago, it's different. I'm different. It's better. I know for certain that I can deal more satisfactorily with difficulties in the workplace and elsewhere, I seem to be emotionally stronger, and I have already made friends that I know I can rely on for wise counsel as well as friendship. Within the Triratna Buddhist movement I have found an environment where I feel safe to be myself and where it is possible to talk about things that really matter which are almost impossible to address satisfactorily elsewhere.

So at the end of this year, which has been such a disappointment politically, but in which my personal life has improved beyond all my expectations, I look forward to leading a even better and more fulfilled life in the year to come.

Brompton cemetery, London, September 2019